Video: Are you scared to end a relationship?

Video: A$AP Rocky "Fuckin' Problems"

Yeah thats my problem too. A$AP be knowing.

I'm starting to get sick of this blog

Mainly because I really don't feel like writing anything on here. Im creatively stuck, like I just dont have any desire to put anything up on here. I can't be all that free because I cant really say whatever on here. There's so much crap I want to talk about on here but I can't, I dont want to get a phone call as to why I put something up here. It will happen because it's happen before, I mean its my fault so whatever. I'm thinking about doing some anonymous type deal in the future but honestly I've just been lazy as fuck so when I do.... no one will know. bwuhahahahhahaha!

Somebody explains what I deal with everyday

I copied this from someones blog on tumblr, people who don't deal with it don't understand. They tell you to go pray about it or just snap out of it. I wish it was that easy. This is my life since I was 14. Any ones who's dealing with depression I feel your pain and trust me you are not alone. I wish the people around me got it. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I lost all hope to want to.

“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”

—	Unknown source (via comeawayohumanchild)

Obama!!!!!

This makes me sad

Ear Stretching (10g)

So I woke up this (technically yesterday morning) morning and noticed that my tunnel was missing. I googled to find out what I could do to stop this from happening, the info I found said it was ok to go up  to another size. Now I'm at a 10 gauge. I wasnt expecting it to go in so smoothly. I'm tempted to try a 8 gauge next week but we shall see. So far it's in pretty snug.

My thoughts on the upper cut fiasco

I've been in relationships with men who were violent towards me. I choose to use words and they choose to use their hands. I don't condone violence towards women/men. The whole upper cut by the bus driver incident is a bit different to me and heres why. People are crazy. If you approach someone in a aggressive manner expect for something bad to happen, this goes for both sexes. The majority would say " I would never" but how about the few who say "I don't give a fuck"? I remember in high school a incident were a girl smacked the fucking shit out of this boy, I mean her hand mark was clearly imprinted on his cheek. He didn't hit her back, actually he couldn't because teachers yanked him up quick before he could try. In the classroom everyone was talking about the situation and most of the boys (and some girls) agreed that he should have hit her back, saying she asked for it. I didn't care about the situation then, I just chaulked it up to some high school b.s. I'm pretty sure the young lady on the bus thought " oh he's an old man, he wouldn't try me" now look at the situation. I just hope that they both learned their lesson. The point I'm trying to get at is that thinking for other people is never a good idea. What could have been resolved in a non-violent way turned into something bigger then the both of them. I watched a little bit of a clip were the woman who was hit basically blamed the whole situation on the bus driver. While he was wrong for what he did, she also needs to take responsibility for her part and not just play the part of victim. The whole "I'm a woman, you can't hit me" card can't be pulled in situation's like this, especially when it's two adult strangers who knew exactly what they were doing.

Sunday...

I havent slept in 24 hrs and I have no desire to sleep now.I was up last night stressing about everything, like always. I watched the sun come up through my window and automatically thought about food. I really want some subway. A turkey sub with lettuce, tomatoes,green peppers, provolone, mayo,a pinch of salt and pepper with a big ass bag of doritos. Bad idea, so I had coffee. I'm still thinking about that sandwich. My ears are at a 12g now and I have tunnels in and not wearing a taper like I was before. I'm still trying to educate myself on stretching and asking mad questions. Today I just want to watch zombie movies and zone out, I'm tired of thinking. Theres a cat that sits on the trash bins outside that I've taken to. I fed it and gave it a name. The cat probably belongs to someone, I'm just guessing because the cat looks like it was being taken care of. I just have a soft spot for animals. I was outside drinking my morning coffee and it purred at me and let me pet it and I immediately thought "this cat needs my love" that is so sad. Why the hell am I writing about a cat?

One More Splurge

I spend recklessly, I'm ashamed to admit that majority of my money goes to cosmetics. It's that one really girly thing that I love.Nothing makes me happier then to walk through a sephora, ulta or the cosmetic isle at target. The past few months I have cut back (sort of) I thought buying all of my makeup from places like walmart, target and avon, would help me save but it's been just the opposite. Because everything is way more affordable, I end up buying a whole bunch of junk that I don't need (L'oreal bb cream of example, it was trash) I came to realization that I will have to cut out buying makeup all together. I have all kinds of products collecting dust on my desk, some barely used and some never used at all except to swatch them. Then I heard Urban Decay was releasing a new palette and then I saw the colors and fell in love. Theres a blue and green in the palette and their so pigmented, watching the video above and my mind is creating all kinds of looks. This will be my last makeup splurge, the palette retails at $59.99 and comes with 20 shadows. Gorgeous

30 by 30 # 1: Weight Lost

My weight has been a problem for over 5 years.  I've noticed that I'm not as healthy, I get colds more frequently as with before It was once a year or not at all. Im getting older and its getting harder to drop the lbs. In high school and in my early 20's it was nothing for me to lose 10 lbs, now its damn near impossible. I decided to make a change earlier this year and bought the p90x program to get in shape once and for all. What I failed to realize is p90x is not a weight loss program but is really just a way to build muscle.  I made it to 60 days and then started to slack off, I was disappointed in myself. I did lose a few lbs but nothing major and I wanted major. My eating habits had alot to do with me not seeing major results. I would work my ass off and then eat pizza or something else greasy and bad for me. I am promising myself that I  am going to lose weight and keep it off. I realize that I have to make lifestyle changes and it is not going to be easy but I have to do something because my health is starting to get effected so now its not only about vanity. Yes I do want to look good but I also want to feel good and right now I don't.

30 By 30

I was on one of my favorites blogs betsyj.com and she to is turning 30 next year and like me felt some kind of way about it, but to change all those ill feelings about turning 30 she wrote a list of things she wants to do before then. I'm copying her idea and making a list, I was having a little trouble coming up with things so every time an idea pops into my head I will post it here

Video: Frank Ocean "Pyramids"

When I first heard the album this was the song that stuck out to me and quickly became one of my favorites, so I was super excited when a video was released. Frank ocean on a bike+big booty strippers + john mayer =my favorite new video

Stretching

I decided to stretch earlier this month. I had lost the ball on my septum ring and as much as I hate buying body jewelry  at the mall (online has better prices and selection) I didn't feel comfortable leaving my ring without a ball and risk it falling out and my piercing closing ( If it closed I wouldn't re pierce it, the shit hurt). So I went to a kiosk at the mall, the cashier was creepy but he gave me a discount on a new septum ring and on 14 gauge tapers. A few days later I greased up the tapers with olive oil and slid  those bad boys in. It went in pretty easy, probably because of the olive oil, but they stung like a bitch after inserting. I wash them whenever I take a shower but I'm afraid to take the tapers out because I don't want to risk the hole shrinking (thats what she said). Next month I go up to 12 gauge's, then 10, 8,6,4,2 and finally a 0 gauge. I don't want to go any bigger then that, maybe a 00 but I will cross that bridge when I get there. I've been doing alot of research and so far a "blow out" is something I should very much avoid. It happens when you "stretch" to fast and cause scar tissue and your ear lobes start looking like chewed up meat, it also is painful. I'm taking my time with this to avoid such things from happening, so if it takes me a year or more to reach my goal then thats fine. Healthy ears is key. Here are some video's I found on youtube that has been alot of help

Killing 2 birds with one stone

?

Lost and confused about a lot right now. I've just been feeling down and I dont know why. I decided to make an adult decision (finally) about my career and being a medical coder seems to make sense right now. Being a writer would be lovely but I've been uninspired. I have to make some more decisions. It sucks to be a adult

Fuchsia Hair

I finally did it! And I like it. I was a bit nervous but I got over it in a few minutes. I do miss blonde and my biggest fear is my hair turning orange if I were to bleach again. Time will tell, for now I'm really liking my new fall color

p.s. This is going to look great with the Azalea Banks lipstick from mac. I will get mines on monday to test it out.

video: Azealia Banks "1991"

Me the Blogger?

I've been putting some thought into this and have even tried in the past, but this time I'm serious about starting a music blog. I have rediscovered my love for music this past year so why not see how far I can go with it. I don't think Im jumping on a band wagon because I've been blogging for awhile now, I just never took it seriously. I've been thinking about this for some time, I wanna make it interesting and new. It's not gonna be a gossip site or anything like that just music news, new music, mix tapes etc.. Right now I'm deciding on names and content and trying to find a web designer and everything, so that where my focus is right now

CG Show In Ashville,NC

I went to the childish gambino show this past saturday and it was a great experience. We had to drive almost three hours to make it to the show in Ashville. Turns out there was also some festival going on at the same time, so it was crowded near the venue (The Orange Peel), which was ok but parking was a bitch and I had to pay $10 for some damn parking. The line wasnt that long and I was able to get pretty close to the stage. I was high as shit and had a bad case of dry mouth, also I can count about three times where I almost passed out ( it was that damn hot) the only thing that kept me standing was seeing gambino,so I kept it G and sucked on a peppermint to keep me going. Chance the rapper opened the show, he did his thing. I never heard of him before that night.The beat dropped for "outside" Gambino came out and I turned into a geeky high schooler all over again ( I havent acted this way since seeing "immature" in D.C when I was in the sixth grade)of course he did songs off of "Camp" and some stuff off of "culdesac". He brought his brother out and they freestyled, along with chance the rapper. He closed the show with "lights turned on" took of his shirt and as he was leaving the stage I got a nice glimpse of his ass (yes ma'am, yes girl)I'm guessing he decided to perform without underware. Over all the show was good, I had a really good time. It ended pretty quick tho, the show started at 9 pm and by 11:30 pm we were back at the hotel. I could have stayed at the venue but Im not about that groupie life. Gambino did his thing, chance the rapper did his thing. I cant remember his producers name ( I think ludwig) he did his thing, he had a cool shirt on and maybe its just my paranoid ass but sometimes when I would look in his direction it looked like he was staring right at me. I figured I do weird facial expressions sometimes without noticing so maybe he was like "what the fuck?...whats wrong with her?" or maybe it's just me. The same thing happened with gambino, I got hype when he did "unneccesary" because that's my favorite song on "royalty" I looked up at him and I kid you not he looked back and give me a "yas bitch that's right" look, but I was high so whatever. 

ps. the photo is not mine, its not even from the ashville show. I didnt take any pictures :(

 I am sooooo hype for the new season, I loved season one. heres one of my favorite episodes

What I'm Listening to this Month: Kimbra

Good album, has a jazzy sound to it. I have to listen to it one more time to give it a good review on it but so far I like it.

Planes and Things

First off Im watching "My Crazy Obsession" and this 300+,30-something y.o man is wearing a onesie. Im very much uncomfortable. Anywho Im flying to Maryland on friday. Im afraid of flying, so I'm plan on drinking before hand. This weekend should be fun, hopefully i'll see my brother. I'm gonna miss my buggsy :(

Wow, Really?

I found a website were I can post some of my poems and short stories. I just checked my twitter and the same website is looking for writers and illustrators to contribute to a new book their putting together, so yeah. So I'm sitting on the toilet (my thinking place) and it hits me that I haven't written anything on paper in years :(. All my old stuff is gone or is hiding out in my dads basement. So I pull out my notebook and start writing, and it's horrible. I'm my own worst critic. It wasn't really forced but heh. My mind is so cluttered it's annoying. I have so many things going on internally that I don't know how to be happy and bubbly and shit. I pretend every things great but isn't that what everybody does? pretend every things good? anyway's, its not the end of the world and I will find my way out of this funk I'm in. Whatever I decide to write it doesn't have to be happiness and sunshine but what I have so far is slice your wrist depressing so I'm gonna chill. I wanna go away for about a week, I don't know where yet but maybe if I surround myself with different people something magical will happen and my head will clear or I could smoke some kush in my backyard

Blah

There's nothing going on with me right now, absolutely nothing.  This weekend was real chill. My dad came to visit for a day to spend some time with my niece. Sunday. It rained, it still is raining and I'm laying here in bed next to my snoring dog and watching "jersey shore" I'm babysitting later so it's going to be nothing but nick j.r for the next 9 hours. I've been trying to catch up on some reading. I'm re-reading "Pleasure" by Eric jerome dickey (I love him) and I bought several books on kindle, including "Dark eros" which I was obsessed with in high school. I'm not only reading erotic books, trust me. My goal to lose some weight is still going. I'm doing the p90x program which is fun. I have to really push myself so if this doesn't work I'm going to be super pissed. I've rediscovered Miguel, I heard "arch and point" first and decided to download  both of his mixtapes and then I bought his actual album. I quit cigarettes for the umpteenth time, but I'm serious this time. This whole post seems forced.

HYFR 420

That's HipHop

I've watched this video a million times and it's never not funny

Miguel "All"

Dope song and Dope fucking video

hi.

I have a problem, I don't know how to just do one thing. to just focus on one thing is very fucking difficult for me. so I have this blog and in the beginning it was fun and I wrote honestly about what I was feeling and it was so easy because no one reads my shit (still don't) but I was ok with that because to me it was just a diary the anyone could stumble upon. Then I found out blogging could be a career, like you could make money off of stating your opinion and then I decided to try to jump on that bandwagon. I got bored with trying to turn this into a fashion blog so I decided to turn it into a beauty blog and that was a horrible idea. The point is I get bored easily and my little online diary was not fun anymore. Mainly because I wanted my little diary to turn into necolebitchie.com over night and when it didn't I said fuck it. Tumblr's so much more interesting. I don't have to post everyday but I'm on that bitch everyday just looking at whatever and listening to whatever. I want to change the name of this blog so much. Just delete it and start over.maybe

Quitabonita....

I have not forgotten you