What the fuck is good?! This is so embarrassing, at one point my blog was my world. I could say and do whatever ,but I wasn't. I was holding myself back for some reason and I have been doing this with everything else in my life. I was ignoring everything, nothing was bringing me any joy. Oh Depression! It hit me super hard and I'm convinced it hit me harder this time because I never recovered from the last episode. I put a band aid on my depression (medication) and it helped for a millisecond and then I felt shitty again so back to self medicating I went (I have a whole post on that coming)
Self medication doesn't mean sitting around doing drugs but it involved a lot of fucked up shit that I don't want to get into right now,but will. I rather talk about what else ive been up to which in all honesty hasnt been much. I did start a business in 2016 and Im still trying to get it off the ground. I also have other interest that I want to explorer but I have been mentally and physically lazy when it has come to me. I started worrying about the wrong things and like I said earlier everything took a backseat. I didn't want to put my procrastination on my depression so I started self hating like shit which was more depressing because I was like "damn, I dont love myself?" When it comes to my mental health Im a jumbled mess of confusion and I want to overcome it. I will overcome it.
Everything else in my life (love, friendships,goals) is going at a long dreadfully slow pace. My love life is a joke. I just got out of a year long shit show, he was horrible and I looked mad desperate trying to be with him. I have a post about him coming, a part of me wants to just leave it alone but Im just talking about my experience and boy was this shit an experience. Currently Im single and never going back on a dating site. Dating sites started this mess, so now were beefin. I was dealing with a situationship but I dont think thats worth talking about. Long story short I had feelings for the wrong guy and I didnt know how to come to grips with it. Its still lowkey weird, ok maybe I will get up enough nerve to talk about it. I mean that is the purpose of this blog, right? This update sucks, I guess Im still holding back. Honestly I am doing this on a whim. I was supposed to post something on here awhile ago but didnt know what to say. I forced myself to post this today still not knowing what I wanted to say (and it shows) I will stick to this, for a lot of reasons. One of them being that my writing now sucks and I want to improve it. I have several poems and half written short stories on my computer. I will finish them, in time. I guess my real goal for this year is to understand and come to the realizaion that I need time. Time to heal from everything and I havent given myself that.....ever. I have been in a race with myself for the past ten years trying to rush my healing with everything and in the end Im still where Im at. No real progress, just frustration with why my situation wont change. I have to take care of me. Reclaim my time if you will, I know everything I want in life I will have. I just have to be patient and all this goodness that I know is mine will punch me right in the face. It will hurt wonderfully. Q
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